Ever ended a relationship and thought about a million and one reasons why it could possibly still work out? Or perhaps you came up with a thousand ways that it could be “just you” and not them? Or that relationship ends because they chose to walk away? Or you had to cut ties because they were toxic and weren’t the best for your soul or growth? Despite the circumstances surrounding the end of the relationship, we’ll be discussing the truth that forgiveness is for both you and them.
Have you ever looked back on a few chain of events (or red-flags) that may have lead up to this “death” of a relationship and wondered whether you were overthinking things or overreacting? Granted, we all go through second-guessing at some point in time and a series of ‘reflecting’ which forces us to look within ourselves and assess whether we could have changed things for the better or not—despite what the other person or people would be willing to do.
But are you doing this for relationships that you KNOW are especially unhealthy and not at all good for your soul? Unfortunately, as human beings, we have a proclivity to draw towards the negative things effortlessly and also create “excuses” for things/people that have history with us or have been consistent and familiar. It’s a mindset and it’s not a light switch that can be flicked ‘on or off’. But It’s something that we must unlearn and renew our minds towards so that we can fully let go and embrace the new.
What is Forgiveness?
By definition, forgiveness is the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven.
It’s also a conscious and deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you regardless of whether they actually deserve our forgiveness.
What Forgiveness is NOT:
- Glossing over or denying the seriousness of the offense.
- Forgetting what happened. We should simply ‘let go’ of what was done + keeping no records of wrongs.
- Condoning or excusing the offense.
- Doesn’t automatically mean reconciliation (unless repentance is present by offender).
What Does Forgiveness Actually Do?
When it comes to forgiveness, it actually frees your soul and reunites you back to the Father. In addition, it:
- Brings you peace.
- Keeps you in right standing with God.
- Gives you freedom spiritually.
- Evidence of dying to our flesh + emotions.
Yes, it will require that we go through some tough moments; almost like a series of “withdrawals”, depending on how long or intense this relationship was/has been. Don’t make a u-turn because things feel hard or it’s a struggle to fully move on.
Matthew 6:14-15 says “God will not forgive us if we don’t forgive others.”
How Do I Forgive Biblically?
While we often talk about forgiveness in general, there are ways that we should approach to from a biblical standpoint which helps to track not only our progress, but ensures that we remain in alignment with what the Lord wants:
- Remember God’s forgiveness towards us (extend the same Grace to others).
- Prayer changes things (Pray for your offender + ask God to help you forgive).
- Be honest with God about how HARD it is to forgive.
- Make the decision to forgive over + over again (Remember that Jesus told His disciples, “70 x 7”?).
- Meditate on God’s Word (Growing in faith and obedience is key).
Why Do Good to those Who do Evil to Us?
Believe it or not, the ultimate reason is about us being the examples of Christ and how He operated while He walked this earth. Despite what evil is thrown out us, we’re called to remain holy + righteous for our soul’s sake and the end goal of inheriting eternal life in heaven. In addition:
- It creates inner peace.
- Following Jesus + His commandments is our duty.
- The bible tells us that we overcome evil with good (this can show up as potentially softening the hearts of the offender or put heaps of coals of fire on their heads—-either way, your doing good brings a reward from the Lord)
All in all, we’re called to help bring others to repentance (even our offenders), not just in sharing the gospel, but by “being the gospel”. God doesn’t want to see ANYONE perish.
We have to see God as just and understand that He repays where needed. Your beliefs will always dictate your behavior—remember that!
It’s about understanding the breakdown of the mindsets that we can possess which keeps us stuck in both a relationship that needs to end or unforgiveness that eventually leads to bitterness:
Being Alone Sucks, So Maybe I Should Go Back.
This is one of the top reasons why we stay in relationships MOST often. Our humanistic side seeks acceptance, validation, and love, which forces us to think that it’s best to have some form of company rather than be “lonely”.
While this is understandable, it’s definitely not a good way of thinking when taking the necessary steps to remove toxic relationships from our lives and also walk in forgiveness for current or past relationships. Firstly, we should understand that being alone versus being lonely are two very different things. Be alone generally refers to being the only person in a place, space, or room. Whereas, being lonely is something that refers to our mindset or feeling about feeling like no one is present with us—–even if we were in a room filled with people. It’s an identification and relatability thing.
But we should always be reminded that we are never alone. God has promised to be with His children, always. Isaiah 41:10 says, “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”.
The Grass Must Not be THAT Green on the Other Side.
Unfortunately, this is where we compare “what was” to “what is” or “what might be”. By doing this, we waste a lot of time creating this idea of new things or other relationships (in the future) not being any better than what we recently came out of. With this type of mindset, we often forfeit our efforts towards actually forgiving the things/people of our past or present which blocks our relationship with God and the things He has set for us.
Numbers 23:19 says, “God is not a man that he should life; neither the son of man that he should repent. Hath he said, and shall he not do it? or hath he spoken, and shall he not make it good?”
Maybe I’m Not Worthy of Better.
Yet another mindset that stems from trauma and remaining in toxic which shifts how we see ourselves. They bible says, “As a man thinketh, so is he”. Which is why it’s so important to renew our minds through God’s Word, prayer, fasting, and walking in complete obedience to God.
Believe it or not, this feeling of unworthiness doesn’t just affect how you view new relationships, but it also affects how you see God, your endurance level when suffering or going through challenges, your faithfulness level in obedience, and a host of other things. Remember that we can’t effectively love our neighbor without first loving God with ALL of our heart and ourselves correctly.
Does Unforgiveness Really Lead to Bitterness? Am I Bitter?
Most of us aren’t aware of how unforgiveness leads to bitterness, but it does. Unforgiveness is a tactic of the enemy to not only place a gap between us + God, but to also create the root for bitterness to grow. Hebrews 12:15 reminds us: “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”
A series of offenses in hearts overtime leads to unforgiveness. A series of unforgiveness overtime leads to bitterness.
This why Jesus spoke so fervently about not letting offense take root and CHOOSING to forgive no matter how many times someone offends us.
Signs of Bitterness:
- Unresolved anger (Bitterness = anger that turned into a belief system)
- Inability to grieve (When we fail to properly grieve after loss or trauma)
- Lack of control (When we are obsessed with fixing others or making them meet our expectations)
- Difficulty resolving conflicts
- Acts of vengeance (Verbal comments, spiteful remarks, or physical altercations that hurt others)
- Withdrawal (We may withdraw from others, giving the cold shoulder or silent treatment as a way of being passive-aggressive)
- Subtle Attacks (Such as snide remarks, biting sarcasm, or mean-spirited joking)
- Other toxic/abusive behaviors (Like condescending words, criticism, + gossip)
Root of Bitterness:
- Hurtful events (Unfair situation, abuse, hurt by others, etc.)
- Unmet expectations (Disappointment overtime)
- Negative words (Unkind or hurtful words spoken to you by others overtime)
- Dwelling on the past (Spending a lot of time replaying the event or creating “If only” scenarios of the the past)
Let Go of the Past + Offense
It’s so important that we let go of the past, see things from God’s view, lay our burdens/feelings at Jesus’ feet, and renew our mind after we’ve exited or ended any relationship or situation. Philippians 3:13-14 says, “Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus”.
We also must see “offense” as the hidden gem of the devil. By definition, offense is “a stumbling block or an occasion of stumbling” and that’s exactly what it does. It causes us to stumble back into negative feelings, emotions, + views—–grappling at the hands of walking in unforgiveness.
The Spirit of Offense literally is a demonic influence that causes us to be easily offended, resentful, + bitter about a person or thing. As a result, it causes great division + disruptions in relationships and communities.
“Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to stumble! Such things must come, but woe to the person through whom they come!” — Matthew 18:7
With the above scripture, it reminds us that it’s imperative to avoid causing others to be offended and being offended ourselves.
What Conquers Offense + Bitterness + Unforgiveness?
Love. believe it or not, love overcomes the spirit of offense and the roots of unforgiveness + bitterness. 1 Corinthians 13:5 says, “Love does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.”
This scripture above just reminds us that even when we are wronged, we must focus on remaining hopeful and enduring as opposed to giving in to our fleshly responses and desires.
How to Overcome with Love?
- Reject the spirit of offense.
- Bring your feeling + burdens to Jesus in prayer. He’s waiting to help you.
- Confess (the devil HATES confession) to the Lord that you’re dealing with offense/unforgiveness/bitterness and repent (apologize + decide to change behaviors). Prayer, fasting, + reading the Word of God daily works on this!
- Don’t defend yourself. This diffuses further conflict + keeps you in right standing with God as your defender.
- Do good to those who offend you. This keeps your heart “pure”.
- Remember who God is and that He’s the one who makes all things right.
Overall, forgiveness is critical to our destiny. God will allow “evil” to detour us there when we respond biblically. He’s sovereign, so just trust His plans/ways.
Always get to the root of unforgiveness, offense, or bitterness and search your heart constantly. We can’t allow the devil to us things like shame, rejection, pride, anger, etc. to creates roots of unforgiveness even when ending a relationship. Give it to Jesus!
Remember that FORGIVENESS is for YOU + THEM.
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